Archive | jamielee.net

05 March 2008

James F

James

I am a(n): a guy who is currently dating Liz R. I am looking for someone who would be willing to fool around on Wednesday afternoon from 1:30-5:30 while she is in Organic Chemistry lab. It is ideal if you have a bunk bed because then we can fool around at other times too, since she is too short to see up to the top bunk.

Genitalia That Excites Me: Traditionally female, but if you are male and have a Ph.D. in a hard science or work at the Medici we may be able to work something out.

Occupation: I am a theoretical biophysicist. I have also been employed as a programmer for supercomputers. I can’t think of any way to make this appealing to women. Perhaps that’s because it’s really fucking boring.

My hobbies are: My main hobby is working all of the time so I have an excuse for ignoring my friends and family. If I am forced to talk to one of my friends, I prefer it be in the form of me helping them in science or math classes I have never taken: this way I can be condescending. Putting others down makes me feel good. I really enjoy using the excuse of being honest to insult the deepest aspects of your personality. And really, when I met you, I didn’t want to talk to you.

My favorite book is: Breakfast of Champions and The Fountainhead. The first has a hand-drawn picture of an asshole, and the second gives me a philsophical justification for being one.

My favorite song is: “H.” by Tool. I believe that “H.” is titled as such because it is about heroine addiction, but I like it because it reminds me of my romantic relationships. This sounds absurd, but I assure you it’s true (of course that doesn’t negate it being absurd). If you want to be the new thing that is “considerately killing me,” please respond to my ad.

My ideal date: My ideal date starts with me doing Math and ends with you having sex with me. Feel free to fill in any intermediate details you need to in order to make this happen. In case you can’t think of anything, here is a list of possible suggestions:
  1. You introduce me to your beautiful nudist next door neighbor.
  2. You leave me alone to work for a couple of hours.
  3. We go to get something to eat, and you let me pay (by doing so you have implicitly prostituted yourself, thanks).
  4. We go to a movie (this way we don’t have to talk).
  5. We bring your boyfriend to the airport.
  6. You let me play my music for you and explain to you why its better than what you listen to.
  7. We watch porn, but don’t knit.
  8. You tell me a tragic childhood story. You know, the kind that basically involves you talking for a long time and me nodding while I think about you naked, or equivalently I imagine doing abstract algebra with you (I often can’t distinguish sex from Math; this explains why I like sex so much).
  9. I can dance like a retarded duck if it turns you on.
  10. We can have sex (no need to only do it once).

Jamie has this to say about me: In our college days, James and I spent one wild Thanksgiving weekend together boozing and loving. All I can say is that it will be in the memoirs.

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02 March 2008

I think that the best thing about jamielee.net were the personals. The first in what will be a continuing series.

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02 March 2008

Jared

Jared, J-Rod

I am a(n): My relationship status is Heisenberg-dependent. Like Schrodinger’s Cat, my relationship status cannot truly be determined. It oscillates between hopelessly entangled and hopelessly bachelored. Any attempt to determine my relationship status will inevitably cause it to switch to the opposite state. That doesn’t mean you should be afraid to ask, however.

Genitalia That Excites Me: I can really get myself into a tizzy over anything that resembles the Smurfit-Stone Building. Or really, anything that doesn’t resemble the Sears Tower.

Occupation: They say that you can pick your nose, and you can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your friend’s nose. This is obviously not the case, as a lucky few of us have managed to earn a respectable living doing just that.

My hobbies are: picnics in the springtime, long walks on the beach, candelit dinners, and tying you up.

My favorite book is: Greenberg’s Advanced Engineering Mathematics, Second Edition. Next week I’m scheduled to sell it for $80, which I will blow on weed and forties. In the meantime, though, it’s nice and heavy so I can use it to smack around my bevy of hos.

My favorite song is: it’s a tie between Ella Fitzgerald’s “It Had To Be You” and Three 6 Mafia’s “Ass and Titties”.

My ideal date: well, first I’d show up at your place wearing the Shroud of Turin, a sheepish smile, and no deodorant. Then we’d go see a film at the local cineplex that I would not be able to pay attention to because you’d be smacking down on your jumbo-sized popcorn like a horse. Goddamn you, why do you have to eat like that? It’s so annoying! And if you keep ordering the jumbo sized popcorn you’re going to get fat as a heifer and then I’ll have to carry on an affair with my 20-something secretary at work which you will undoubtedly discover when leafing through my personal papers and then you’ll sue me for divorce and alimony and… oh, I see! This is your little game, is it? Think just because you got the jumbo-sized popcorn you can cheat me out of one-third of my income for the next forty years? Well, we’ll see about that…… oh, FUCK! You just got butter substitute all over the Shroud of Turin.

Jamie has this to say about me: J-Rod is a genuine sweetheart. One day he’ll be the cutest old Jewish man. But he’s not bad now, even though he’s not shrivelled and kvetchy.

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14 February 2008

From jamielee.net 12/28/04:

Greg: oh jamie please
Greg: don’t you believe in romance
Greg: in fate
Me: Barf.

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone! After work today I’m off to the sanitarium to pick up my date off to the movies for A Very Zombie V-Day.

jamielee.net

4 Comments

30 January 2008

jamielee.net 3/6/05

And it begins: the horrible backpedaling and gnashing of teeth that is the aging process. I had my first “I am so old” panic attack the other day while perusing the afore-mentioned Playboy. I am older than the February Playmate by like a year. Older than the Playboy Playmate? I practically have one foot in the grave! First, you’re older than the woman on the cover of Playboy and the next thing you know, you’re older than the woman on the cover of AARP the Magazine.

Also, my biology teacher has given me a death-phobia by spending hours each week discussing the multitude of ways that we could die. Is it really necessary to discuss aneurysms in a class on infectious disease? It’s goddam scare-mongering, if you ask me.

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29 January 2008

jamielee.net 2/13/05

Do you ever imagine an adaptation of your life into a screenplay where the faults of friends and family are exaggerated for humorous effect, while your faults are exaggerated for maximum endearment? Of course you do. It’s called “Your perception of reality.”

Thank you to the boys of Elkwood Crest Manor for the subscription to Playboy. Please pay the remainder of the account balance soon so that I can get my “Sexy Nude Coeds” DVD.

jamielee.net

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21 January 2008

jamielee.net 12/21/04

Me: I found this really thick bathrobe in my house.
Me: And now I have it on over my regular clothes.
Me: Because it’s so comfortable.
Me: It’s like a coat.
Greg: you sound like an uncircumcised penis

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16 January 2008

jamielee.net 11/2/04

An excerpt from my economics class:

Teacher: So in this case, he prefers Bundle A to Bundle B.
Student: Well, but why?
T: We don’t know, it’s just his preferences.
S: But Bundle A has less of Good 1.
T: True, but it has more of Good 2.
S: But why would you ever give up precious, precious Good 1 for Good 2? Hell, I once fellated a hobo for some Good 1.

[I guess it's hobo week here at An American Turkey?]

jamielee.net

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05 January 2008

jamielee.net 5/19/05

Guess it’s about time to update this sonofabitch. A blog that I read had a link the other day to a site proclaiming to be “Erotica for Women!!!1!” but ended up being only pictures of goofy looking guys in strange poses. I thought that I would share some of them with you. Yeah, that’s the best I got.

That’s the perfect jacket for surfing. Or maybe the strange way that he’s holding the jacket is supposed to make you think that he drove his motorcyle to the beach without a shirt on–not, however, before stopping at the barber with a picture of Hanson and saying “Like this, please.”

“Oh, my, I didn’t see you there. I was just doing some side-bends after spending the day shopping at Early ’90’s Mart.”

Production Meeting
Producer 1: Why is there a step ladder in the picture?
Producer 2: So they don’t notice that he’s wearing khaki overalls by Tommygirl (side note: I’m sure that you never thought that what you would have in common with a porn “star” is the same pair of overalls that you used to wear when you were ten).

Producer 1: Why is there a step ladder in this picture?
Prodcuer 2: To distract from the obvious fact that this guy would rather be on an erotic site for men.

Producer 2: You see, if we add the throw blanket, no one will notice that he’s wearing a blue velour shirt with black studded boots.
Producer 1: I don’t know. I think we’d better get the step ladder.

jamielee.net

2 Comments

04 January 2008

jamielee.net 12/31/04

Me: It’s too bad there’s not a jealousy emoticon.
Greg: yeah :p
Greg: i’m sure you can improvise one
Greg: i still remember your “vomiting” emoticon
Me: :O asfjslfjlsajdflsjflsafjlsjflsf
Me: A modern classic.

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