Shame on Seamus

“If anyone asks, just tell them it’s your Christmas card list.”
“Some of them are Jewish.”

“I don’t want to read about your death on CNN and feel like I have to buy the t-shirt with the headline.”

He can buy me a drink, but I won’t be Googling his penis.

[TEMPORARILY REDACTED BUT BACK NOW]

“Hey, what are you drinking?”
“It’s a Whisky Sourpatch Kid on Roofies the Hard Way.”

Imagine a beard on an enchilada.

Someday I will curate a museum of crap e-mails from dudes.

It will be founded by a generous donation from my personal collection.

“That’s one home I’d regret wrecking.”

Go
Yeah go
But remember

“I’m too fat to make this light.”

“I want to socialize, not stigmatize, the uncircumcised.

Please excuse that last bit. I sound like the Al Sharpton of penises.”